


the burning question

by hellblazeit



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Humor, Nott is a grown-ass adult woman, purely self-indulgent madness, record for most utterances of the word 'dick' in a non-smut fic, text fic, the mighty nein groupchat is a wondrous place
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-23
Updated: 2018-07-23
Packaged: 2019-06-15 00:35:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15401064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hellblazeit/pseuds/hellblazeit
Summary: The gang tries to answer one of the most important questions for a group of friends to have answered.





	the burning question

**Author's Note:**

> my lovely gf and i were talking about the modern mighty nein and it spawned this madness, so shoutout to jenna, a far better writer than i am and my favorite human being!
> 
> purely self-indulgent texting fic for the modern mighty nein. there will be a key at the end in case all the nicknames get confusing! this used to have so many emojis but they kept getting messed up so i tried my best.
> 
> hope you enjoy!

**[obnoxious one]:** HEY BEAU

 **[unpleasant one]:** what

 **[obnoxious one]:** who do u think has big dick energy

 **[unpleasant one]:** huh  
**[unpleasant one]:** like in general??

 **[obnoxious one]:** in our group!!

 **[unpleasant one]:** dude why  
**[unpleasant one]:** i like  
**[unpleasant one]:** make a point NOT 2 look at dicks  
**[unpleasant one]:** it’s like an active part of my lifestyle

 **[obnoxious one]:** its not about looking @ actual dicks u lesbian nightmare  
**[obnoxious one]:** just a general mood of big dick-yness

 **[unpleasant one]:** oh my god i don’t care dude  
**[unpleasant one]:** fuckin. jester

 **[obnoxious one]:** YES that’s what i said!!

 **[unpleasant one]:** ew did i just agree with you

 **[obnoxious one]:** fuck you beau! xoxo

 **[unpleasant one]:** fuck you molly  
**[unpleasant one]:** i totally have big dick energy tho  
**[unpleasant one]:** i have like the BIGGEST dick

 **[obnoxious one]:** x_x sure

 **[unpleasant one]:** did you ask jester yet? bet she has the hot takes

 **[obnoxious one]:** oh im asking EVERYONE

 **[unpleasant one]:** wait for real??  
**[unpleasant one]:** oh my god are you gonna ask caleb

 **[obnoxious one]:** obviously darling

 **[unpleasant one]:** does he even know what big dick energy is  
**[unpleasant one]:** u better ask nott for permission to text her baby boy

 **[obnoxious one]:** hes a grown man!

 **[unpleasant one]:** so?? she has a knife???

 **[obnoxious one]:** u make a great point, fuck you

 **[unpleasant one]:** fuck you  
**[unpleasant one]:** definitely tell me what caleb says  
**[unpleasant one]:** you better you gossip ass  
**[unpleasant one]:** i swear to fucking god if i find out from jester i’ll kill you myself

 **[obnoxious one]:** you’ll try xoxo

-

 **[eggplant emoji]:** jester darling!!  <3

 **[lollipop emoji]:** FJORD HAS BIG DICK ENERGY  <3

 **[eggplant emoji]:** wow that was fast

 **[lollipop emoji]:** I KNOW EVERYTHING MOLLYY  <3  
**[lollipop emoji]:** ALSO BEAU TEXTED MEE BUT I’M RIGHT THO  <3

 **[eggplant emoji]:** wow Beau steal my thunder  
**[eggplant emoji]:** r u sure tho???? he has the bod but he walks like a twink

 **[lollipop emoji]:** MOLLY PLS HE’S A TWUNK DUH I KNOW THESE THINGS  <3  
**[lollipop emoji]:** AND OFC HE HAS BIG DICK ENERGY IT SHOWS WHEN HE WEARS SWEATPANTS  <3

 **[eggplant emoji]:** but does he have the ENERGY  
**[eggplant emoji]:** like ok the southern gentleman thing is a solid medium dick already but is it BIG 

**[lollipop emoji]:** TOTALLY WHEN HE GETS ALL SCARY N INTIMIDATEY ITS HUUUUGE  <3

 **[eggplant emoji]:** ooooo ur right

 **[lollipop emoji]:** HE N YASHA HAVE THE BIGGEST DICK ENERGIES THEYRE LIKE HANGING OUT AAAAAALL OVER THE PLACE N BEAU HAS IT TOO BUT NOT BC SHE ASKED ME 2 SAY IT  <3

 **[eggplant emoji]:** sure darling

 **[lollipop emoji]:** YOU DO TOO MOLLYYYY  <3

 **[eggplant emoji]:** thank u dear!! xoxo

 **[lollipop emoji]:** WHO HAVE U ASKED WHAT DID THEY SAY R U GONNA ASK CAAAAALEB  <3  
**[lollipop emoji]:** HES REEEEALLY GAY I BET HE KNOWS WHO HAS THE BIG DICKS

 **[eggplant emoji]:** just Beau so far, im going down the list! ofc im asking caleb, i bet hes got Opinions™ if i can get him 2 answer  
**[eggplant emoji]:** n YES im gonna ask nott first dw

 **[lollipop emoji]:** GOOD SHE HAS A KNIFE N IT WOULD SUUUCK IF U DIED B4 I GET TO PAINT UR NAILS AGAIN  <3  
**[lollipop emoji]:** I GOT NEW COLORS THEYRE HOLOGRAPHIC N THEY SHIMMER THE TRAVELER LED ME TO THEM  <3

 **[eggplant emoji]:** OOOOO PICTURES PICTURES PICTURES  <3

-

 **[Shiny]:** omg is my name different  
**[Shiny]:** is it the song from moana???

 **[seaman]:** yup

 **[Shiny]:** i LOVE that movie

 **[seaman]:** figures

 **[Shiny]:** u know what i love more tho  
**[Shiny]:** talking to u  
**[Shiny]:** we have such great conversations

 **[seaman]:** spill it what are you up to

 **[Shiny]:** fjord ur no fun

 **[seaman]:** jester was staring at me  & giggling while texting i’m p sure it was you  
**[seaman]:** which means you’re up to shit  
**[seaman]:** so spill it

 **[Shiny]:** bold of u to assume im only SOMETIMES up 2 shit  
**[Shiny]:** i wanted 2 ask u, darling dearest fjord, out of all our friends who do u think has big dick energy

 **[seaman]:** jester

 **[Shiny]:** well that was easy  
**[Shiny]:** who else?? we do have more than 1 friend in common dear

 **[seaman]:** yasha

 **[Shiny]:** obviously, aaaaaaand?

 **[seaman]:** idk. caleb?

 **[Shiny]:** REALLY?!?!?!

 **[seaman]:** yeah he’s got cool magic shit u know  
**[seaman]:** sometimes he looks or talks a certain way  & it’s like oh shit

 **[Shiny]:** hmmmmmmmmmm u kind of have a point fyordie

 **[seaman]:** great?  
**[seaman]:** why are you asking everyone anyway

 **[Shiny]:** im curious!!! u never look at ur friends n go “who’s got the big dicks”????  
**[Shiny]:** u always think im up to something fyord its so mean!! :'(

 **[seaman]:** u literally said ur always up to something  
**[seaman]:** like 2 minutes ago

 **[Shiny]:** doesnt mean i know what im talking about tho  
**[Shiny]:** love these talks byeeeeeeee xoxo

-

 **[Molly]:** yaaaaaasha  
**[Molly]:** darling do u have wifi yet  
**[Molly]:** i miss yooooooou  
**[Molly]:** im so boooooored come back soon  
**[Molly]:** yasha i have 2 ask u something SUUUUUPER IMPORTANTE PLEASE LOOK AT UR PHONE  
**[Molly]:** YASHAAAAAAAAA

 **[best friend]:** I’m Pulled Over What Is It

 **[Molly]:** YASHA!!!!!  
**[Molly]:** who of our friends has big dick energy??

 **[best friend]:** Is This A Serious Question Or A Prank

 **[Molly]:** its serious!!  
**[Molly]:** its the most serious thing in the history of serious things!!

 **[best friend]:** Jester

 **[Molly]:** wow really???? i would have never guessed that!!!!!!

 **[best friend]:** Dick

 **[Molly]:** u love me  
**[Molly]:** just jester????

 **[best friend]:** Maybe Fjord  
**[best friend]:** Beau

 **[Molly]:** ew but aww  
**[Molly]:** that’s very gay dear

 **[best friend]:** Okay

 **[Molly]:** awww i can feel u blushing from here  
**[Molly]:** i wont say a word dear!!

 **[best friend]:** Thank You

 **[Molly]:** always darling xoxo

 **[best friend]:** What Did The Others Say

 **[Molly]:** so far its 3 votes jester 2 votes fjord (dont worry i know urs is a maybe) 2 votes you 1 vote beau (jesters doesnt count bc beau told her 2 say it n beau cant vote for herself) 1 vote me 1 vote caleb

 **[best friend]:** I Will Vote For Caleb Too

 **[Molly]:** REALLY?!?!?!

 **[best friend]:** Yes He Is Very Strong With Magic

 **[Molly]:** hmmm but does it equal big dick tho [thinking emoji]

 **[best friend]:** I Have To Get Back On The Road I Will Be Late

 **[Molly]:** ofc darling u get going then! ily!

 **[best friend]:** ILY Too Molly

-

 **[SHINY AND WEIRD]:** hey nott!!

 **[elf on the shelf]:** i have a knife

 **[SHINY AND WEIRD]:** i know!! its a great knife!! very pretty!!

 **[elf on the shelf]:** what do u want

 **[SHINY AND WEIRD]:** why do people keep asking me that?? maybe i just want 2 chat!!

 **[elf on the shelf]:** what do u want

 **[SHINY AND WEIRD]:** that wasnt a rhetorical question im serious!! why do people think i want things!!

 **[elf on the shelf]:** what do u want

 **[SHINY AND WEIRD]:** u know what, ur right! im super nice and gorgeous and sexy and people should appreciate me more! i will tell them that from now on!  
**[SHINY AND WEIRD]:** fine ok!!! who in the group do u think has big dick energy??

 **[elf on the shelf]:** how do u leave a private conversation

 **[SHINY AND WEIRD]:** pleeeeeeease help me i will never bother you ever ever again i wont even ask to talk to caleb

 **[elf on the shelf]:** u don’t have to he has a phone  
**[elf on the shelf]:** hypothetically tho what would u want to talk to him about

 **[SHINY AND WEIRD]:** the same thing i swear!! just want 2 know who everyone thinks has big dick energy thats all!!  
**[SHINY AND WEIRD]:** pleeeeeeeease its a simple question and then ill never bother u again

 **[elf on the shelf]:** u say that now  
**[elf on the shelf]:** what will u give me if i answer

 **[SHINY AND WEIRD]:** really???  
**[SHINY AND WEIRD]:** i can give u juggling lessons?? with swords??

 **[elf on the shelf]:** that’s better than nothing  
**[elf on the shelf]:** fine i guess jester  
**[elf on the shelf]:** oh yasha too probably  
**[elf on the shelf]:** fjord?? maybe???

 **[SHINY AND WEIRD]:** im honestly a little shocked ur first answer wasnt caleb

 **[elf on the shelf]:** EW  
**[elf on the shelf]:** WHY WOULD I SAY THAT  
**[elf on the shelf]:** EW  
**[elf on the shelf]:** not that there’s anything wrong with his dick!! he probably has a very normal dick!!  
**[elf on the shelf]:** EW but i don’t want 2 know  
**[elf on the shelf]:** and i don’t want 2 think about it EW

 **[SHINY AND WEIRD]:** wow this got weird i love it

 **[elf on the shelf]:** and i’m bleaching my brain RIGHT NOW  
**[elf on the shelf]:** this is UR FAULT

 **[SHINY AND WEIRD]:** HAHAHAHAHA

 **[elf on the shelf]:** anyway u don’t need my permission 2 ask caleb anything  
**[elf on the shelf]:** but if this is some complicated trick 2 ask him out or embarrass him or something i will cut u  
**[elf on the shelf]:** with my SECOND knife

 **[SHINY AND WEIRD]:** oh my god how did u get a second knife???

 **[elf on the shelf]:** i have my ways  
**[elf on the shelf]:** i walked into the store n bought it im a full-ass adult dumbass

 **[SHINY AND WEIRD]:** u know, i forget that a lot bc youre like the size of a toddler

 **[elf on the shelf]:** a toddler with TWO KNIVES and better liquor than u  
**[elf on the shelf]:** and ur ADDRESS

 **[SHINY AND WEIRD]:** im absolutely terrified of u

 **[elf on the shelf]:** good

-

 **[Mr. Mollymauk]:** question for u mr caleb!!

 **[mister caleb]:** What is it?

 **[Mr. Mollymauk]:** ok hear me out

 **[mister caleb]:** This is a textual conversation.

 **[Mr. Mollymauk]:** who in ur opinion out of all our group has big dick energy??  
**[Mr. Mollymauk]:** caleb??  
**[Mr. Mollymauk]:** hellooooo??

 **[mister caleb]:** I am very afraid to ask but explain to me?

 **[Mr. Mollymauk]:** its like when u look @ someone and ur like “oh they have a big dick probably”  
**[Mr. Mollymauk]:** like the way they carry themselves or act makes u think “they got a rocket in their pocket”  
**[Mr. Mollymauk]:** look i dont know how 2 explain it very well its a meme

 **[mister caleb]:** I don’t really get the second one but okay.  
**[mister caleb]:** Why are you asking me?

 **[Mr. Mollymauk]:** 4 SCIENCE!!  
**[Mr. Mollymauk]:** and i already asked jester  
**[Mr. Mollymauk]:** and beau  
**[Mr. Mollymauk]:** and fjord  
**[Mr. Mollymauk]:** and yasha  
**[Mr. Mollymauk]:** and nott

 **[mister caleb]:** Slow down please I am thinking.

 **[Mr. Mollymauk]:** oh sure!! cool!!  
**[Mr. Mollymauk]:** wait like……thinking about answering or thinking about ur answer  
**[Mr. Mollymauk]:** u totally dont have to answer if its weird

 **[mister caleb]:** I am answering.

 **[Mr. Mollymauk]:** cool!!! ok ill wait!!  
**[Mr. Mollymauk]:** wont even distract u promise  
**[Mr. Mollymauk]:** i mean. am i distracting u by texting  
**[Mr. Mollymauk]:** ill stop texting!! im patient!!  
**[Mr. Mollymauk]:** oh my god u type so slow caleb r u okay  
**[Mr. Mollymauk]:** dont break ur brain

 **[mister caleb]:** Dick Energy From Low to High - The Mighty Nein  
Me - No.  
Nott - Knife Energy. She’s very smart and very fast and has several knives. She is also sort of like my sister so I don’t want to think of her and dicks in the same terms.  
Beau - Sizeable Dick Energy. VERY strong, but a lot of it comes from acrobatics so it is more of a lean dick energy than a big thing. Very, very gay, so it is hard to think of her in terms of dicks.  
Fjord - Sizeable Dick Energy. He has a sort of big dick vibe but also relies on cleverness over strength a lot so it’s kind of a fit dick but not a big dick.  
Yasha - Big Dick Energy. Really very scary and really very strong, but she is very kind, and socially awkward like me, so it is not a very big thing, you just always know she is there.  
Mollymauk - Huge Dick Energy. You wear tight pants, it is kind of obvious. You are not very strong, but you are very confident so it counts to your advantage.  
Jester - Enormous Dick Energy. That is also kind of obvious. She lifted a couch by herself when she was helping Beau move apartments, it was really scary. Could kick all of our asses at once, probably, but is really nice instead.

 **[Mr. Mollymauk]:** wow u really thought about that huh

 **[mister caleb]:** It is almost like thinking is sort of my thing.

 **[Mr. Mollymauk]:** OO was that a JOKE

 **[mister caleb]:** No.

 **[Mr. Mollymauk]:** hmmmm it was a very good one tho  
**[Mr. Mollymauk]:** am i allowed 2 share your votes w/ the group dear?

 **[mister caleb]:** Ja, I assumed that is why you asked me at all.

 **[Mr. Mollymauk]:** yes but ur very private  
**[Mr. Mollymauk]:** wow i get 2 share ur innermost thoughts with the world!!! i feel so special!!!

 **[mister caleb]:** [eyes emoji] Go to bed, Mollymauk.

 **[Mr. Mollymauk]:** [eyes emoji] gn dear!!  
-

 **THE MIGHTY NEIN**  
**I HAVE THE POWER OF GOD AND ANIME ON MY SIDE** \- jester  
**i wanna be a cowboy babyyy** \- fjord  
**No More Nicknames Please** \- caleb  
**the name’s evan….escence** \- mollymauk  
**UR MOTHER BUYS U MEGABLOX INSTEAD OF LEGOS** \- nott  
**mii channel theme music** \- beau  
**The Cat With The Flower On Its Head** \- yasha

Yesterday

**UR MOTHER BUYS U MEGABLOX INSTEAD OF LEGOS** changed **Caleb** ’s name to **fre shavacado**

**[fre shavacado]:** Can my name please just be Caleb?

 **[UR MOTHER BUYS U MEGABLOX INSTEAD OF LEGOS]:** but we all have to have vine nicknames caleb!!! u don’t match!!!

**fre shavacado** changed **fre shavacado** ’s name to **No More Nicknames Please**

Today  
**[the name’s evan…escence]:** THE RESULTS ARE IN

 **[I HAVE THE POWER OF GOD AND ANIME ON MY SIDE]:** OOOOOOOO  <3

 **[i wanna be a cowboy babyyy]:** oh boy

 **[mii channel theme music]:** bring it on

 **[UR MOTHER BUYS U MEGABLOX INSTEAD OF LEGOS]:** i’m drinking 4 this

**No More Nicknames Please** has left the chat

**[the name’s evan…escence]:** jester dear can u please invite him back

**Caleb Widogast** has joined the chat  
**mii channel theme music** changed **Caleb Widogast** ’s name to **is there anything better than [cat emoji]? a really good book**

**[is there anything better than [cat emoji]? a really good book]:** Why did you put the cat picture instead of the word? 

**[mii channel theme music]:** bc u have a cat dude! it’s funny!

 **[the name’s evan…escence]:** bc Beau wants 2 keep the pussy 2 herself

 **[mii channel theme music]:** fuck off dude

 **[I HAVE THE POWER OF GOD AND ANIME ON MY SIDE]:** DON’T LEAVE AGAIN CALEB WE HAVE TO SEE THE RESULTS

 **[The Cat With The Flower On Its Head]:** Is This The Energy Question

 **[UR MOTHER BUYS U MEGABLOX INSTEAD OF LEGOS]:** even yasha’s here we HAVE to listen now

 **[i wanna be a cowboy babyyy]:** spill it molly

 **[the name’s evan…escence]:** u all might remember me asking u who u thought had the BIG DICK ENERGY in the group! i am here 2 give u the DETAILED RESULTS of our survey!

 **[i wanna be a cowboy babyyy]:** “detailed” all you did was ask for names

 **[the name’s evan…escence]:** BUT i got a FULL ANALYSIS from our resident smartypants  
**[the name’s evan…escence]:** and i thought it was just TOO perfect so i threw the rest of the results out n just used caleb’s!!

 **[is there anything better than [cat emoji]? a really good book]:** What

 **[I HAVE THE POWER OF GOD AND ANIME ON MY SIDE]:** OOOOOOOOOOO WE GET THE SUPER SMART ANSWER

 **[is there anything better than [cat emoji]? a really good book]:** I don’t speak for the whole group why are you using mine??

 **[the name’s evan…escence]:** bc yours was the most accurate!!  
**[the name’s evan…escence]:** u said it was ok to share so i thought i would!! is it still ok??

 **[is there anything better than [cat emoji]? a really good book]:** I don’t think they were very good answers, I could have answered better probably.

 **[the name’s evan…escence]:** yes or no dear i won’t share them if u don’t want me to!!

 **[I HAVE THE POWER OF GOD AND ANIME ON MY SIDE]:** YEAH CALEB HE ASKED US ALREADY SO IF YOU WANT IT TO BE A SEEEECRET IT CAN BE

 **[is there anything better than [cat emoji]? a really good book]:** I don’t mind, just please do not hate me for it.

 **[UR MOTHER BUYS U MEGABLOX INSTEAD OF LEGOS]:** bold 2 assume anyone would hate u for anything especially when i have 2 KNIVES

 **[mii channel theme music]:** i bet i’m at the top of the list

 **[the name’s evan…escence]:** feast ur eyes!!!

**the name’s evan…escence** sent a file: BD_Screenshot

**[UR MOTHER BUYS U MEGABLOX INSTEAD OF LEGOS]:** wow that’s a lot of reading 

**[I HAVE THE POWER OF GOD AND ANIME ON MY SIDE]:** AWWWW I’M AT THE TOP THANK U CALEEEEB  <3 <3 <3

 **[mii channel theme music]:** i have less dick energy than molly???? wtf man???????

 **[i wanna be a cowboy babyyy]:** wow i’m fourth  
**[i wanna be a cowboy babyyy]:** end of friendship, i have AT LEAST as much dick energy as molly

 **[the name’s evan…escence]:** no arguing w/ the judge, darlings, all results are FINAL!!

 **[mii channel theme music]:** says mister huge dick  
**[mii channel theme music]:** hey that’s accurate tho, ur a huge dick

 **[the name’s evan…escence]:** fuck you lean dick!!

 **[I HAVE THE POWER OF GOD AND ANIME ON MY SIDE]:** OOO THAT SOUNDS A LITTLE BIT LIKE A DETECTIVE NAME

 **[UR MOTHER BUYS U MEGABLOX INSTEAD OF LEGOS]:** oh beau u could be a detective with us!!! the jester nott and lean dick detective agency!!!!

 **[i wanna be a cowboy babyyy]:** it’s got a ring to it

 **[mii channel theme music]:** well okay fuck it!!!! u know what i kind of like it anyway!!!!! so there!!!!

**mii channel theme music** changed **mii channel theme music** ’s name to **lean dick energy**  
**UR MOTHER BUYS U MEGABLOX INSTEAD OF LEGOS** changed **lean dick energy** ’s name to **lean dick energy (DETECTIVE)**

**[lean dick energy (DETECTIVE)]:** yeah sure, whatever

 **[The Cat With The Flower On Its Head]:** I Like Your List Caleb. I Don’t Mean To Be Scary Though

 **[is there anything better than [cat emoji]? a really good book]:** You are probably only scary to me, I am scared of everything. But you are very charming as well.

 **[the name’s evan…escence]:** u are VERY charming dear

**lean dick energy (DETECTIVE)** changed **the name’s evan…escence** ’s name to **HUGE DICK**  
**HUGE DICK** changed **HUGE DICK** ’s name to **HUGE DICK [eggplant emoji]**

**[lean dick energy (DETECTIVE)]:** aw fuck you that changes the whole meaning 

**[HUGE DICK [eggplant emoji]]:** thats the point darling! xoxo

 **[I HAVE THE POWER OF GOD AND ANIME ON MY SIDE]:** THANK U CALEB FOR BEING SUUUPER SMART

 **[is there anything better than [cat emoji]? a really good book]:** This was not my idea.

 **[i wanna be a cowboy babyyy]:** yeah thanks caleb

 **[is there anything better than [cat emoji]? a really good book]:** This was not my idea.

 **[HUGE DICK [eggplant emoji]]:** we love u caleb!!! xoxoxoxoxoxo

 **[is there anything better than [cat emoji]? a really good book]:** This has been Mollymauk's idea from the very beginning, what is happening.

 **[The Cat With The Flower On Its Head]:** I Think You Have Lots Of Dick Energy Caleb

 **[is there anything better than [cat emoji]? a really good book]:** I regret this. I’m leaving now.

**is there anything better than [cat emoji]? a really good book** left the chat

**[HUGE DICK [eggplant emoji]]:** jester dear please invite him back to the chat? im not done messing with him

**Author's Note:**

> first convo: molly (obnoxious one) and beau (unpleasant one)  
> second convo: molly (eggplant emoji) and jester (lollipop emoji)  
> third convo: molly (shiny) and fjord (seaman)  
> fourth convo: molly (molly) and yasha (best friend)  
> fifth convo: molly (SHINY AND WEIRD) and nott (elf on the shelf)  
> sixth convo: molly (mr. mollymauk) and caleb (mister caleb)


End file.
